The Honour of Payback

I had the honor of holding the door open to the other side for both my mom and my dad. Dad was terrified of the thought of living without His wife of 68 years, and in her last days on this plane Mom wore a haunted expression of one that is aware of her imminent leaving.

As the only child it was up to me alone to learn how to assist them to their respective continuation days. The question was how could I hold the door open for them when I was so full of fear myself?

I missed my parents even before they left. In the bliss of euphoric recall my childhood took on a golden glow of unshakeable care for what seemed like forever. I knew nothing else, I didn’t know there was anything else until much, much later. There was always a place to go home to, no matter that I never did. Just the thought of the support back there was enough to sustain me through the bad times far from home.
Of course I knew intellectually this family relationship was far from perfect, that would have been a fairytale. Relationships are messy and uncomfortable , we were no different than billions of other families but it was happening in my family now.
We all grieve in respect for
our cultural norms. I began to feel like an orphan even before the process began. The thought that they could no longer save me from myself was a shock . I came to that realization with a sick feeling on a chilly midnight, sitting in the pharmacy with my pyjama top tucked into my jeans.

The phone had shrilled on my bedside table and I woke already sitting up. Midnight calls are like air raid sirens. They strike terror into a heart that knows even at rest what
it ‘s waiting for, it’s purely visceral. Of course it was my dad asking me to go and pick up an emergency prescription for mom. His voice was quivering from exhaustion and fear. It was hard being a caregiver at his age. Being the only child made us a caregiving team, looking after a stubborn mom who refused to go into a care home. She knew she would never come out again. It was a death watch and the three of us knew it.
I was impatient as I sat waiting in the all night pharmacy. It was all about me. I watched the night people eying me, gauging my possible receptivity for a handout. I glared at them and they skittered away. Then as I settled in to wait for my mother’s drugs I realized I was a grown up.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could make a living amends to them both right now!! Payback for all the pain I had thoughtlessly caused them throughout my life. I could honour them, take responsibility and smooth the way for them. Be the one they could lean on instead of the other way around. Suddenly the self pity melted away. Who cares if I’m tired at work tomorrow! This is the miracle! In one instant my whole attitude changed. I would be a tower of strength for them.
It was a spiritual awakening sitting in a hard plastic chair with glaring fluorescents accentuating the dingy floor. I am an adult child! Who would have ever thought!



It’s again been a long time between chats here my friends. It appears that there is a retreating from the world like never before in the history of humankind . “Out there” looks like the illusion and my inner world becomes much more inviting. I must step out and engage.

It seems we have been given permission, encouraged even, to isolate. It is a guilty pleasure to be out of the hot sun of trouble the world has experienced and is culminating in this last year.

Remember the lyrics, “in the desert you can’t remember your name, and there ain’t no one to give you no pain”? Even in my own backyard retreat it creeps into my heart.
Out there consists of pandemics and epidemics. Many of our own have fallen, even here, hidden in my garden the Pain is palpable. It hurts my soul when other souls are so ravished. Is this your experience too?
The one reoccurring message from one of my mentors is “hang on for the ride, it will get worse before it gets better”. The whole world is so much smaller now. When the platitude, “we’re all in this together” comes up, which by the way I hear at least 10 times a day, I see the truth to it.

Never have the people of every deep valley and every high mountaintop experienced this horror all at the same time and to the same degree. The pain of the people is so loud in its crescendo that the collective is now fulfilling its own prophecy. The mentors say we will become what we must to survive…HEB’s (Higher Evolved Beings), the papers say we won’t. But we are working with our traditional enemies, the drug labs are all sharing their secrets. Even corporations are pulling up stakes in country’s not supporting human rights. We can’t change without the rendering of the power of
money and politics.

Through necessity, like children we are learning to share realizing, yes, we are our brothers keeper.
Even I am despairing when I take the cover off and look under the hood. Every time I think it couldn’t get any worse it does. We are hanging on in a shared reality never experienced before in its totality.

So as I tell myself to hang on, I share with you, because we must. There’s no place left to go!
Warrior on my friends,let’s do this. Change hurts, ethnicity is a hard one to break. It all comes down to simple respect and a realization that when I do well for another I am doing well for me and mine. When I hurt you, I hurt myself.
Be well and stay safe💕